Tonight my friends, was the first night fear and anxiety caught me unexpected and almost knocked me out of the process. if you look on my blog Here I discussed my great idea of conquering my anxiety by confronting it head on and moving my children and I back in with my parents until I could find a place.
And in being honest, I felt like I was winning. I got rid of a bunch of stuff, watched youtube videos on minimal living and also spent excruciating hours trying to figure out if items in my house made me feel good enough to keep or trash.
I didn’t realize it then but I realize now the endless act of throwing away, giving away, and selling was a response to the anxiety I was feeling. It wasn’t the stuff that was giving me anxiety, it was the time limit I had put on myself but the “stuff” had to pay. I had to get the anxiety out someway somehow.
And tonight when I walked in my bare kitchen and saw almost all my items moved out. I almost had a panic attic, and instead of having that I just sobbed.
Everything that I had been holding in finally came out.
My home I had had for 6 years was no longer my home, I had chosen to move my children and myself out of all we had known for the last 6 years and I felt and feel awful.
In all my decisions I always knew my kids would be taken care of but I never knew how much it really affected them. And even now my son trusts me so much he isn’t bothered but I am. That feeling alone could be a whole second blog on how we as mothers are harder on ourselves then our children.
And yet now here I am. Out of my lease and stuck in between wanting to call my landlord and telling her I made a huge mistake, and wanting to step on the other side of this fear and see what awaits me.
And in this moment I realize i need to give myself peace and I need to be okay with the crying. Its a natural release that my soul is telling me I needed. I needed to be cleansed and I needed to let the anxiety come and let it go. I’m okay and we are good. We will get through this and come out on top.
And I know God and I know that unless he pushes me I would always stay comfortable and complacent. This is a lesson for me that I also must trust him even when I can’t understand. It’s all working for my good, and because of that I can rest assured that joy will come in the morning.