I remember you coming to my wedding and being so excited because I thought now we would have the bond I had always dreamed of.
Though some would call you a half-sibling, you were my sibling and I always saw you as a whole. My heart was to big to see you as anything else.
And I remember seeing the joy on your face and me having the hope and excitement in knowing that this would be a changing point in our relationship. That you could love me as your sibling.
And I remember the days turning into weeks and the weeks into months and you deciding to go on facebook and rant about how you hated our father.
The only father I had ever known and the father you never truly had a chance to get to know.
And it stung, it stung because in your rage you couldn’t see me and you couldn’t understand how I could be so hurt and confused that you would do that and place me in the middle.
And instead of confronting you about it, I grew silent like I always did when you all would argue with our father, and I let you have your moment.
I let your heart and your anger come out at the only man I had ever loved up to that point and to the first man that had ever hurt you.
We both were on two different radars of emotions and in my love for you I had to let your rage roar on someone I loved.
I had to surrender.
And I remember our father being hurt in an accident and you calling me, crying, upset that you had to find out on facebook and that I didn’t have the decency to call you, his daughter too, to let you know what had happened.
And with tears in my eyes and my heart in my throat I remember realizing that we would never have the relationship I desired.
Your mixed emotions towards him would never allow you to get to a place to separate me from him and allow us to have a relationship of our own.
Everything he did or didn’t do, I would pay the price all the same.
That’s when I realized I had to bury you, although you are still breathing just the same.