My husband wants another child.
5 of us living under 1 roof and 3 out of those 5 I would be responsible for nurturing.
Don’t get me wrong, I know my husband will help, even when we weren’t together he was always a great father.
But can I be totally transparent for a moment?
Having another child literally frightens the crap out of me.
As crazy as it sounds, with two children already, I question whether I will be a good mother to another one.
I mean I have 2 hands and my kids fit perfectly in them.
Where would a third go?
It’s taken me a long time to accept that at any given time on any given day, two parts of me are way from me if that makes sense.
I don’t feel whole again until I can physically see my kids.
And ironically, I know they feel the same as I do.
Anytime I am on the couch, in bed, or even sitting on the floor, they are huddled as close as they can get.
It’s as if each of us subconsciously feels that we must remain this way to be intact.
We aren’t whole without the other.
We are a hole without the whole. Quite Literally.
I pour a lot into my children, both emotionally and spiritually.
I pray over them, I anoint them, and I take the time to truly know my children.
I wrote this blog because I needed to write and I needed to hear myself say “it’s ok”
it’s okay that I’m unsure and it’s okay that I don’t feel ready.
It’s okay that I question my mothering skills because as long as I do,
I’m recognizing I’m not perfect and therefore I’ll always strive to be the very best I can be.
It’s okay to not feel okay with something.
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay