For the longest, I always viewed myself as a self-motivated “career woman”. My favorite movie growing up was To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything (very very old movie), and even though the movie was based around men in drag trying to get to a beauty pageant, they described themselves as career women stopping at no costs to get what they wanted.
And that’s how I viewed myself. I got my bachelor’s, then my masters degree, and strived to be the youngest boss in my position in my company ( I succeeded in that too). I brought our scores up on different surveys and won countless awards for my dedication and how well I improved the workforce. I’ve went on countless business trips where I felt important and felt like I was truly owning my future.
This has all brought me so much joy however recently when my husband mentioned me becoming a stay at home mom, it simmered more than it usually did.
He has always offered to take care of the bills but me being the woman I am, I didn’t need a man or anyone to take care of me. I had my goals and I was going to be a mom AND a corporate icon. I didn’t have to pick and I still don’t believe I have to pick.
However, the more I wake up for this rate race and I go to work and move mountains for another person (someone higher up the chain than me). I truly wonder what is it all for?
So what if I get an award or help others in the workforce if I can’t even help my own family?
Only speaking for myself, everything I dedicate my time to cannot get 100% of me. If my job is getting 100% when I come home my family is getting 30 because I’m simply too tired.
More often then not I want my son to just come home do his homework, let me make dinner, and then I’m counting the hours until bedtime because I just need some me-time where no one is asking me for anything. And even this time can be interrupted with a work phone call because I’m available 24/7 via the work provided cell phone should any emergencies occur.
And the more I noticed this the more I begin to see that I have accomplished so much and have achieved just as much, but it doesn’t really mean anything to me or really anyone else.
This year I made great numbers for the company, next year it will be someone else.
Last year we got bonuses and this year we found out our numbers didn’t quite hit so despite all the hard work we did our bonus is gone just like that.
I was off work three days last week and my 2 year old followed me around and played under me like a little lost puppy. She wasn’t used to being cuddled all day because I usually simply don’t have the time.
My son and I started Stranger Things and we watched about 4 episodes all at once because I wasn’t tired and therefore I wasn’t cranky or irritable.
I say all that to say now, my only goal is to reach financial freedom so I can stay home with my children.
Not because I can’t make it in the workforce, but my children honor and appreciate my time more than any company ever could.