The Empty Process.

So I got the results from my tests back. ( more information here if you are confused as to what I’m referring to).

And it turns out I did suffer a miscarriage, or in medical terms have a blighted ovum where a gestational sac appeared but no baby ever formed within it.

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This blog will not be discussing the hurt most women feel when they miscarrying, but honoring my true feelings and expressing how it feels when you feel relieved.

I found out I was pregnant during a time where I wasn’t sure if I wanted another. My husband and I had discussed it, but he was more pro-baby than I was at the time. We were talking about buying a house, planning to get our finances in order, and I already felt I had the perfect family. My 1 boy and my 1 girl.

Instead of being honest with my true feelings I did what I always did, I threw the ball in God’s court. “Let’s just see what happens and let God decide the rest”. So when we stopped preventative measures and I ended up pregnant, I felt it was in God’s will for me to have another baby.

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But can I be truly honest?

For the first time in any of my pregnancies, I was numb when I saw that positive. I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t sad either I just felt like another life-changing event was happening to me but it still hadn’t registered that it was coming from me if that makes any sense.  As crazy as it sounds, I felt God and my husband had made a decision without me.

God you know we aren’t ready! I only did that to appease him! I timed it perfectly I wasn’t ovulating why am I pregnant now !? 

adult alone anxious black and white
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I had a hard time feeling any connection and I rested on the reassurance of everyone around me that I would begin to feel something the further I got along.

Now that it’s all over, I respect the woman’s body so much! I never had any issues connecting with my children inside the womb and I felt like it was because my body knew there was life inside of me. This time there was none, so my woman’s intuition ( and the holy spirit of course !) were kicking in long before I realized what was truly taking place.

I felt no connection because my pregnancy had not progressed.

And then one morning I woke up bleeding and I knew something was wrong.

I had this eery calmness about me that despite what I was seeing God knew what I could handle and would work everything out. Truthfully in the back of my head, I knew I was miscarrying and it made how I had been feeling on the inside make more sense.

I also was afraid because I felt relieved and I felt that made a monster. It’s like holding your breath knowing something is wrong and then something is wrong and you feel bad for sensing it or knowing it ahead of time.

And I even feel awful writing this because although I personally would never abort a child that I was carrying, I felt even more relieved that God made the decision for me to stop the process before it could even get started.

And that’s when I realize how God knows each and every one of us so intimately that he knows and loves us even in the areas we are afraid to speak in. He knew this life changing event would affect me the most and although I said yes with my mouth, my heart was still in turmoil over the decision I had made.

monochrome photography of couple on boardwalk
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I knew I was miscarrying, but out of love for my husband, my heart broke for him and his desires and so I prayed that God would turn things around. I truly believed that God could make a baby appear in that empty spot and he could make a miracle happen that would shock everyone.

But God also knew me. And he chose to look at my needs and desires and honor them above all else.

And as I was feeling guilty about my true thoughts, God reminded me that those feelings of guilt are not of him but from Satan himself.

While I in no way mean to disrespect or hurt any woman who has gone through this, speaking from my own experience, I felt reassured that I didn’t have to grieve anything that never got a chance to exist.

I would have been devastated if I had miscarried a baby with a heartbeat, but rather than putting that burden on me, God stepped in and he did what I couldn’t do. He closed my womb before the baby could even form. Therefore all I saw on that ultrasound was a shell, an illusion to what could’ve been but the reality was it never was.

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I was able to walk out of that doctor’s office and still feel like my body loved me. My husband and I  hugged each other and we joked about off-topic things on the way to the car. We didn’t allow the situation or Satan to have the victory.

I have miscarried before so being able to walk out and still feel in control was huge for me.

And while the battle isn’t over yet, I plan to love and honor my body in the next coming weeks. It has gone through a lot to protect my feelings and to protect my womb. It did what it was supposed to do and it alerted me that something was wrong before I continued day to day believing I was carrying something I wasn’t.

I know this story is unique and in no way the experience that most women feel, but I’m so thankful to have Jesus and to know that everything he does is for my good.

He heard my silent worries and my anxiety and he released those chains of confusion off of me. He took my yolk and gave me his.

And another thing he allowed me to find in this situation was my voice. My husband and I had a long talk and while I know he meant me no harm we both agreed it’s better to truly wait until we are both onboard then going along to please the others.

We have two beautiful seeds that we are blessed to call our own. When the time is right we will add a third to make our garden complete.

 

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