I haven’t Forgiven or Forgotten.

God loves to unexpectedly through things at me mentally which I’ve grown to love about our personal relationship.

Because he knows me better than anyone else, he understands more clearly how I am a straight forward person and I like correction thrown right at me when my mind is open to receive it.

Weird, I know but he gets it!

Yesterday I was scrolling through Instagram looking at self-care quotes and noticed a lot about forgiveness. As I scrolled and read through them, one particular one felt like a knife in my chest yall. It hit me so hard I had to stop and calm my breathing. Simple words had rattled me. I wasn’t expecting any quotes on forgiveness to bother me.

While I didn’t save the quote ( I was to traumatized from the physical reaction of my body ) I do recall it basically saying ” while you are being unforgiving, the other person has moved on to other accomplishments, and their own goals not even realizing they had wronged you”.

And this is what hurt me the most and made me confront my own hidden demons. There was someone from my past that had hurt me deeply. So deeply that I never truly forgave although I said I did. I re-added them on Facebook to get over it, commented on all their accomplishments to get over it, yet I still held pent up frustration with what they had done to me. I tried to “get over” those feelings by pretending they weren’t there. I knew it was ridiculous as the incident happened over 4 years ago but I simply could’nt let it go. I think I may have even already written a blog post about them that’s how deeply rooted my pain was.

adult alone anxious black and white
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

And to make matters worse after seeing that quote  I revisited their page and saw where they had posted a quote that said: ” don’t be so worried about what others think of you that you lose focus on yourself” less than 5 minutes after I read the post on Instagram! And that made me laugh folks!

The person I was harboring resentment for was basically pushing the knife deeper in my chest. It felt like they posted that just for me. Confirming I needed to move on even though they did the hurting!

Yet, I was so grateful for God for showing me that it truly was a waste of my energy. While I had been holding all this resentment, they truly had moved on with their life.

Point blank, what they did to me didn’t stop them from living so why was I allowing them to be a stumble in the road for me?

As I cried and begin to release that resentment for them, I realized that God wanted me to explore my pain. He wanted me to confront what my mind had told me about the situation that may have not been true.

I felt this person should’ve known me better than to assume the worst at that time, but the more I thought it the more I realized they didn’t know me.

We weren’t close and there were instances before the “main event” where my spirit told me they were not for me. Yet I persisted to want this person to be in my inner circle.

I can’t truly say I’m 100% over it at this point, but I’m accepting the illusion I created in my head which is what’s helping me get to that place. I’m also accepting that only I allowed this to go on for so long and I have to retrain my mind to let it go rather than holding on to it.

Pain seems to find a home within our hearts and settle in a whole lot easier than forgiveness does. 

It’s up to me however to redecorate the scene and make a decision to be better.

 

Comments

2 comments on “I haven’t Forgiven or Forgotten.”
  1. It is hard to forget and or Forget especially when the source of that is still present but we owe it to ourselves to try & let go. We deserve our peace & joy. We can’t change our past but we can change how we react to it now . Thanks for sharing your story🙏

    Like

    1. Yes we do and I was amazed at how I was still holding on to that. I thought the whole “forgiveness is for you not them” was just one of those quotes, but when I realized the other person was truly living their life it made so much sense to me. Thanks for your comment !

      Liked by 1 person

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