Your so loud and yet, I’m not listening

This week I got off Facebook and Instagram.

photo of woman using mobile phone
Photo by Mikoto on Pexels.com

And let me tell you, it has not been a pretty sight to see how addicted I’ve become.

I find myself randomly typing it my search bar, wondering what I’m missing, and even opened the page without even thinking about what I was doing ! It’s like my body mind was operating on it’s own which scared the crap out of me !

And let me be honest about why I did it.

I did it because I was trying to fast.

I wanted this job so bad and I was trying to slowly show God I would sacrifice the thing that had a hold on me to get it.

I give you give sort of deal.

And in the process of trying to fill in the huge free time  I had now that I didn’t spend the time web surfing, I started a new journal writing down a chapter of the bible a day, describing what it meant to me, and also a ” What is God trying to tell me today?” page where I wrote down scriptures or other little nuggets he gave me throughout the day.

The first day I started this I felt great, I was confident that God would see all my hard work and the job would be mine. I journaled faithfully, I was more pleasant at work, and I even picked up extra slack because I knew I was on my way out the door!

Yet, the second day came. And folks, that quickly, the job was not mine.

Not even two days into my “fasting” God had sent the answer for that job and rather than be grateful I was extremely angry.

I mean I had JUST started fasting off social media, he didn’t even give me time to REALLY get into sacrificing and go to skipping meals next.

And on top of it all, I had felt peace !! Didn’t that mean that the job was mine since I felt like it was all going to work out?

As these thoughts went through my mind I bitterly called my husband and told him the news. I even joked and said, “well that’s the end of my fasting, back to Facebook”.

But friends can I be honest? I realized I sounded like a total and completely spoiled……. witch.

I had put more effort into digging in God’s word and it was all for selfish reasons. My own personal gain and not to really get close to him.

And when I went back and read the messages God had given me up unto that point.

He was speaking so loudly to me it brought tears to my eyes.

20200206_1038004152946809370980920.jpg

(As you can see this was NOT written today, it was written the First day I started praying for the job)

God orchestrated all of this so he could just talk to me. He wanted me to back away from Facebook and social media so I would commune with him. So he could show me how much I mean to him and how everything I need he has already given me.

Those precious 2 days I was waiting for an answer, God was making me one for those around me. I made my stressed manager laugh, and I even prayed for a coworker whose fiance was on life support and thanks to Jesus he has come out of it!

When I stepped back, God stepped in and he used me.

He blinded me with this job, so he could use me to do his work yall. Like a child, he dangled a prize in my face so he could bandage up the wounds I had created that were hurting me.

As I continue to be off of social media, I am learning more and more every day what an amazing and loving father I serve.