It finally happened.
I had been blessed with my dream job that came with almost 10 grand more than my previous job and after many years of trying to get my credit aligned, my husband and I had been approved for a new home! We had tried for many years to get approved and even leaving my job and finding another with a pay increase during the pandemic was a blessing in itself. Literally everything we spent the last 2 years praying for happened within 2 months.
Overtime, I’ve written endless blogs about the stress my old job caused and how I couldn’t wait to be free and yet when freedom came, I was still caged within my mind.
I was on cloud 9 for many weeks until I was dropped off just as quick.
With covid-19 we had decided to do virtual learning rather than putting our son back in school. This meant sacrifices had to be made in order to support him in this venture .
The last 3 weeks of my previous job I had felt really led by the spirit to leave. I stayed home with the kids for about 3 weeks and I just felt so overwhelmed. I had always worked and I felt helpless. I wrestled with restlessness and in all honesty I wasn’t used to the kids being all over me 24/7. It was new for them to and they wanted to soak up every last hour of the day to show me how much they loved it.
Yet inside I was just struggling. I constantly asked myself “Find another job or become a SAHM mom to work with him on his school work?
One instance I felt like as a parent I was doing what I needed to working hard and trying to provide a solid home for my son and our daughter (she is 3, and currently shares a room with us).
Yet on the other hand, I felt like it was the perfect time for me to stay home. My husbands income could support us and we could really have a solid foundation for the online schooling.
My husband noticed I was restless and it increased my feelings of hopelessness because he wanted me to enjoy being home and I felt like I was letting him down as well because I just didn’t enjoy it.
It was a very long and arduous battle of the mind. One where I constantly weighed the options over and over trying to figure out how to give my son what he needed, make sure my husband know I loved the fact he was willing to take care of us on his own, and not lose my own goals in the process.
As I pondered over the “right” answer, I became so consumed with feelings of inadequacy and guilt.
Why was I even thinking on it so hard? Of course I should choose my children !
And the voices of self doubt in my head also told me that I shouldn’t desire a home, spending money on such a big item was not of God and if we could rent we should rent.
I tossed and turned over this for weeks and even burst into tears at work yesterday because I was really feeling like such a bad mom.
However I begin to think about my dispair and the root of it.
The true root of my tears was the reality that I am not super woman.
I want to be her so bad.
I want to figure it all out, make it all work, and still have limitless time for me.
As I begin to look at that root and begin to remove and accept that I can’t be her. I saw another hand removing the dirt alongside me.
It was Jesus.
He was right there with me not speaking, but reminding me that he is ALWAYS in the process alongside with me.
What I can’t be, he is and even when I’m in the mess of digging up false thoughts and beliefs I’ve created he’s right there getting dirty alongside me.
I can’t be everything to everyone or even myself, yet he can.
And I can’t promise that tomorrow I won’t cry, or that tonight when I get off work and my daughter hugs me and stays under my legs because she misses me I won’t have regrets.
But I do know I’ll remember who’s right alongside me. Cuddling, watching, and silently helping me along the way.